It was Sunday when I wrote this. The sun was awake softly as the sky looked like making up itself to rain. Yet gloomy wasn't the proper word to describe. I got a glass of water before eating my breakfast. TV was showing its morning news, but I didn't exactly grasp what they told.
I planned what I would do that day the night before, with details and exact details per hour. I planned everything but I didn't have the heart to do that. It felt like I've been told to do something against my will while I was the one planning it. I was not procrastinating as much as I did, and it wasn't that.
Let me tell you what I should do that day: next-week-study-plan, next-week daily plan, study math unit II, and read biology unit III. And I should be done by 3 pm.
I've been feeling like that days earlier, as if doing them all which should bring me closer to my goals, didn't. It felt like I was tired with routines and everything. So I decided to wreck the whole plan I have that day by laying back to bed and opening tab of YouTube in my tablet. I usually use it to watch study materials, even the keywords history was them all. But that day, I watched every video I avoided to because I thought I wouldn't need it. I got myself a warm and sugarless green tea and a baby biscuit (it's good, please understand). I checked up my phone to reply chats or e-mails. I did everything but what should be doing.
And in the midday, I turned on the TV—again—to watch British' Next Top Model I-don't-know-which-cycle. It was an episode where all the contestants should do underwater photoshoot and turned out it was a hard one to do. There was this contestant named Sarah if I was not mistaken, she was so frightened she got out of water several times panicking. So, a judge who was there talked to her. I couldn't recall what was his words but I remembered her response; she was not okay and the way he told her it's okay and hug her was all she needed. And the result? It was incredible, turned out to be good enough to pass her.
It woke me up in every nerve. Sarah was in the run for her dream then there's a point where it scared her so much it weighed her down by stress. But, it was okay for her to do so. It was okay to just admit that she's scared and under-pressure and needed time.
It reminded me a lot to what I have been lately having, and I am sure that it happens for everyone. There will be a hard time for you to run. There will a hold-up in your track, that will slow you down. In that time around, you will be in your lowest. You will stress-out even to matters you shall not. You will find every way that is yours, blocked.
And I can assure you that it is okay for you to just slow down. Let yourself have a break. Breathe calmly. Stop everything that you do to just let yourself relax. It is totally okay for you to admit that you're not okay. Please put in mind that your mental health first. It should be number one priority and do not worry if you screw up in a day which you've planned. It's much better than if you screw your entire life by obtaining mental sickness.
Your mental health matters, so does your life and you. Please, do thing that you are happy doing. And if you don't feel good about yourself or anything, I might be a stranger, but I will have my ears ready.
Have a pleasant day.
